downward spiral

I can feel myself slowly letting go.  I had a tight grasp on "normal", if you really want to call it that.  To think, I worked so hard to get there too.  I tried so hard to pull myself together and make all of those small, broken pieces whole again.  Brick by brick I gradually let down my walls that hid secrets and so many insecurities.  The process took time and along the way friendships were strained.  Many tears were shed  but in the end I thought it was worth it.  I wanted so badly to be like everyone else, happy and actually living.  But the hard work can come crashing down in an instant.  The downward spiral at first is scary, knowing the disappoint that's bound to follow.  But eventually, I found comfort.  Comfort in the familiarity and something that is finally my own.  I can finally feel again.  I'm not sure which is scarier, seeing the disappoint on the faces of the people I love or being stuck in the awful disease and not caring enough to change.