Isolation

I can feel myself slipping. Slipping into the dark, lonely world that tends to eat you alive. I have no desire to do the things that I once loved. I'm pushing people away because I'm scared that they'll get too close. At the same time I'm losing people because I feel like they're getting tired of me and my problems. Either way I'm alone. Maybe it's better this way. I can't rely on anyone. I've learned that eventually someone's going to let you down and it cuts deep, but it goes both ways. People can't rely on me. I always and I mean ALWAYS let  people down. I can never meet their expectations and in the end they're disappointment only causes me to hurt even more. Thus explains the isolation. The complacency I fall into scares me sometimes. It's so easy for me day after day and I don't want my life to turn into this. How do I make it stop?

So It Begins... Again.

The counselor thought it would be good for me to journal. She said I had to let things out in a healthier way... so here I am "journaling". 


My thoughts are scattered, more so than ever. I'm living life but not really living. It all feels like a blur. Everywhere I look I see people smiling and enjoying themselves. Why can't that be me? Was that ever me? A couple weekends ago I saw family that I haven't seen in awhile and they all told me that I looked "sick" and "lost too much weight". They wouldn't let up until they saw me eat something. My anxiety level was through the roof and I felt like everyone was judging me. The voices in my head were screaming and I hated myself for listening to the people I loved. I had been living off of coffee for days so once the food finally got in my stomach I instantly felt sick. Whether it was an actual real sickness or my head trying to convince me that that's what I deserved for eating, I'm not sure, but I felt horrible that night and the morning after. I'm so tired of all of this and I know I can't keep living life this way. It's such a complex world and very few survive so I hope and pray that I can recover and get a grasp on reality.