The counselor thought it would be good for me to journal. She said I had to let things out in a healthier way... so here I am "journaling".
My thoughts are scattered, more so than ever. I'm living life but not really living. It all feels like a blur. Everywhere I look I see people smiling and enjoying themselves. Why can't that be me? Was that ever me? A couple weekends ago I saw family that I haven't seen in awhile and they all told me that I looked "sick" and "lost too much weight". They wouldn't let up until they saw me eat something. My anxiety level was through the roof and I felt like everyone was judging me. The voices in my head were screaming and I hated myself for listening to the people I loved. I had been living off of coffee for days so once the food finally got in my stomach I instantly felt sick. Whether it was an actual real sickness or my head trying to convince me that that's what I deserved for eating, I'm not sure, but I felt horrible that night and the morning after. I'm so tired of all of this and I know I can't keep living life this way. It's such a complex world and very few survive so I hope and pray that I can recover and get a grasp on reality.
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