Food Journal.

One of my doctors suggested that I keep a food journal for about a month; tracking everything I eat.  She wanted to get a better idea of what I eat on an average day and how often I can eat breakfast.  

When I turned in the food journal there was a medical student in the room with us and the whole time she seemed like she was preoccupied.  It was like the medical student was making gestures or talking behind my back and she was trying to pay attention to both of us so I didn't have her full attention.  I was self-consious the entire time and frustrated. 

Finally, I handed her the food journal and she flipped through it with the resident at her side.  She whispered to the resident "with as little as she's eating you would think she would be thinner".  I so badly wanted to scream,  "HELLO! I'M STILL IN THE ROOM. I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!"  Thoughts were racing in my head, insecurities were resurfacing.  

She then told me "You really need to try 3 meals a day. Snack in between those would be a good idea too." REALLY? After everything I just heard that's the last thing I want to do.  

 That was a week ago and it is still bothering me.  Her words keep replaying back in my head.  Other thoughts and my own insecurities are piling on top of those.  I don't know who trust anymore.

22 years

I just don't get it.  I can hardly look at you or stand the sound of your voice.  Then again not much has changed... 22 years of sobriety.  TWENTY-TWO years of absolutely no alcohol whatsoever.  Then in one night you can have 5 drinks.

They say once an alcoholic always an alcoholic... I always believed that to be true but how can you do this?  Especially now?  I want so badly to blame myself.  I shouldn't have had that drink in front of you.  I shouldn't have acted so 'ok' with drinking.  Maybe then you would have left your guard up.  

I'm scared that this is going to tear our family apart.  I'm scared that this is all it's going to take to break us just like it did in the past.  It didn't take much for you to leave before, when you had so much there stay for.  What's going to make you stay this time?  It's already getting to the point where you need to buy more before you run out...  

I blame myself

You tell me everything and I appreciate that.  You tell me when you're excited about something and you tell me when you're depressed.  The fact that we both can be so open with each other is what I love most about our father/daughter relationship.  It's when you tell me about your pain; the stuff that hurts you deep down.  I know you're sad and I know you're hurting.  I know that most days you don't even want to leave your room.  There have been times when you told me "it took everything I had in me to not cut my wrists and watch myself bleed to death".  I spent months checking on you in the middle of the night just to make sure you were in your bed, breathing. I would also walk in several times during the day, holding my breath, praying over and over again in my head, just hoping I wouldn't find you laying in your bathroom, dead.

Those times terrified me.  I can't imagine my life without you.  I'm so glad that we're past that but every time I think about what could have caused your pain or how I could have fixed it I always come up with the same answer.  It has always been my fault.  I blame myself over and over again.  It may seem a little prideful but I see no other reason.

I feel like I trapped you.  My existence alone has brought on so much heartache, I can see it and I can feel it.  There's always the "maybe's" that play on in my head... Like 'maybe you wouldn't be married and could have done something more with your life'. 'Maybe you and mom wouldn't have fought so much'. 'Maybe you could of had more money to do more things and live how you always wanted'.  I feel like I held you back.  I know for certain that I put a strain on your marriage.  You chose to love me and take care of me when she wanted nothing to do with me.

I'm sorry.  I have no better way of saying it... I'm truly sorry.  I beat myself up about it every single day.  I hope you know that I love you... to the moon... and back. FOREVER.