I blame myself

You tell me everything and I appreciate that.  You tell me when you're excited about something and you tell me when you're depressed.  The fact that we both can be so open with each other is what I love most about our father/daughter relationship.  It's when you tell me about your pain; the stuff that hurts you deep down.  I know you're sad and I know you're hurting.  I know that most days you don't even want to leave your room.  There have been times when you told me "it took everything I had in me to not cut my wrists and watch myself bleed to death".  I spent months checking on you in the middle of the night just to make sure you were in your bed, breathing. I would also walk in several times during the day, holding my breath, praying over and over again in my head, just hoping I wouldn't find you laying in your bathroom, dead.

Those times terrified me.  I can't imagine my life without you.  I'm so glad that we're past that but every time I think about what could have caused your pain or how I could have fixed it I always come up with the same answer.  It has always been my fault.  I blame myself over and over again.  It may seem a little prideful but I see no other reason.

I feel like I trapped you.  My existence alone has brought on so much heartache, I can see it and I can feel it.  There's always the "maybe's" that play on in my head... Like 'maybe you wouldn't be married and could have done something more with your life'. 'Maybe you and mom wouldn't have fought so much'. 'Maybe you could of had more money to do more things and live how you always wanted'.  I feel like I held you back.  I know for certain that I put a strain on your marriage.  You chose to love me and take care of me when she wanted nothing to do with me.

I'm sorry.  I have no better way of saying it... I'm truly sorry.  I beat myself up about it every single day.  I hope you know that I love you... to the moon... and back. FOREVER.